Personalize Your Ceremony

Besides writing your own vows and talking about how you met and what you plan for your married life, you could also consider any of the 8 enhancements I have already written about: candle lighting, sand pouring, honoring parents or mothers, giving the rose of love, adding a healing or blessing, including children and wishing stones.

Two others are becoming very popular at the moment. They are Hand Fasting and Sharing Wine together. Both come from ancient traditions.

Let me say something about that right now – ancient traditions. Many of today’s weddings are bi-cultural as well as interfaith marriages. Consider what is in your ancestry. What makes up your family’s history? What have you ever dreamed of including in your wedding? Now is the time to bring it forward. It’s YOUR ceremony!

Hand Fasting is where the expression “tie the knot” came from. Although today when I’m including it in the ceremony, I simply drape the ribbon(s) across the couple’s hands for a few moments.

Hand Fasting is often preceded by a Hand Holding, where the couple joins hands while gazing into each other’s eyes as I read a poem about love or about hands. At this point there are usually a few sniffles heard around the room. (And I always carry a clean handkerchief to hand to the bride OR groom when necessary.)

The vows can also be spoken during the Hand Fasting. First the groom would be asked a question like “will you honor this woman all the days of your life?” Then the bride is asked a similar question i.e. “will you honor this man all the days of your life?” Then one ribbon is draped with the words, “And so the binding is made” pronounced by me.

There are usually 4 to 6 questions and ribbons draped. The ribbons can reflect the colors chosen for the wedding. It’s all very beautiful and coordinated.

If you’re more of an Earth oriented nature the ribbons could be draped while each of the directions are mentioned as in Native American or similar traditions.

Sharing Wine is always fun and can be done several ways. Instead of having a bottle of wine, I suggest a carafe of wine or 2 carafes, one for the groom and one for the bride. If one glass is used, they would each pour their wine into the common glass. The glass could be offered to or held for the other.

Or two glasses could be used. The groom would pour his wine into the bride’s glass and she would pour her wine into his glass. They could intertwine arms as they drink.

What’s in your ancestry – wearing kilts, giving coins, jumping brooms, drawing circles, flower wreaths, breaking a glass or plate, floating candles, or something entirely different? You could create a new tradition!

The Perfect Wedding

Many, many people strive for perfection. Some claim that it can’t be reached. I say, it depends upon your definition of perfection. I’ll tell you a true story.

Somewhere between a few years back and a long time ago, my daughter decided to get married in a traditional way – white gown, bridal party, church wedding, dinner, and a reception with music and dancing. This is what we took as our tradition; the tradition of our personal culture.

Her father and I had been divorced for several years, had ignored our differences and could actually speak politely to each other. He had agreed to help pay for the wedding with certain stipulations. One of his requests was that only he would walk our daughter down the aisle, not both of us as our daughter had wanted.

He did walk her down the aisle, just the two of them. We moved me over a little in the picture and I escorted my two ring bearing grandsons down the aisle. Both my daughter and I felt fine about the arrangement.

He had a few other “rules and regulations” about the affair which could have put a dent in the festivities if we gave them the power to do so.

I could see how the event was starting to shape up and which could culminate in arguments and hurt feelings. So I took the bull by the horns and changed my mind right then and there. I decided that this was going to be a Perfect Wedding no matter what happened.

And it was!

Let me repeat that. I decided that it would be a perfect wedding and it was.

Looking back on that day, there were several incidents which could have spoiled the event but I had already made my decision and stuck with it. I was going to be happy. I was going to have a good time. I was going to enjoy myself. I could still take care of issues and problems. I could still get called off the dance floor to settle a question or solve a predicament (and I was).

In fact, I went to the extreme in my imagination and visioned myself dancing in a beautiful dress and someone ripping my dress off on the dance floor! In my mind, I kept right on dancing and smiling. I had decided that nothing, no thing and no one would have the power to mar the celebration.

It was a perfect day. It was a perfect wedding.

You can have the same. Decide that whatever happens, it will be perfect. Laugh at whatever comes up and keep on dancing. It will be perfect!

How To Write a Wedding Ceremony

You may be thinking about writing your own wedding ceremony and wondering what needs to be in it to pronounce you husband and wife. Here it is – you both have to want to marry the other person, admit it, and accept the other person as your spouse.

If you also want the marriage to be legal, you have to have a valid marriage license (see the requirements on another page), have a qualified Officiant present and have it all witnessed by 2 living people.

That is it! Everything else is fluff. There are no magic words. You can say “I do” anyway you want.

Some religions say you have to do it a certain way. If you want to get married in that religion then that’s the way you have to do it. If you don’t want to have those particular words said then you can find another way and have the ceremony some place else. If you insist on getting married in a church, there are churches that will rent their space. A wedding does not have to be in a church, temple, or any specific place to make it holy, sacred, or legal.

If you would like to know how a traditional wedding service goes so that you have an outline to work with, I’ll give you the outline. Just know that you can change any part and move items around to suit yourself. It’s your ceremony.

You start the actual ceremony with the Convocation which is also called the Welcome. That calls everyone together and tells them that they are there because the two of you love each other so much that you want to be married.

The Invocation calls on God, Universal Love, Radiant Presence, or highest dimension of self to place the participants in a reflective and receptive state.

Personal stories, honoring of people who could not attend which is also called a Memorial, and asking “who gives this woman to this man in marriage” is next. You could also have one or more parents light candles at this time.

A Reading of prose, poetry, Bible verse, a contemporary or original writing may be read by someone you would like to honor, or a live singer could dedicate a song to you. (I don’t recommend a recorded version.)

Now comes my favorite part called the Address. It’s where I get to say my blah-de-blah about all the important things you should know before you go any further.

Another reading, additional ceremony, or song could be added here.

If you’re spiritual you may want to include the Consecration which brings the service to a sacred level.

The Expression of Intent is one of the primary factors. It’s when the couple publicly states the intention of their commitment to marriage.

The following 3 components could be combined or be separate: the Blessing or Presentation of the Rings, the Vows, and the Exchange of Rings.

A word about the vows – a vow is what each one of you is offering or promising to the other. If you want to write your own vow, think about what this marriage to this person means to you. What are you offering of yourself to the marriage?

There must also be a place where each person is asked if they, in fact, accept the other person as their spouse, their mate, their partner. Yes, you do have to give them a moment to think about it and answer.

The rings are a token of the vows and a symbol of the love that is shared between two people. A ring is a circle which has no beginning and no end which represents the thought that giving and receiving are the same.

The Pronouncement of Marriage is the public declaration of the formal bonding of husband and wife.

The Kiss, which is most important, seals the deed (so make it a good one).

To round it all out is the Final Blessing or Benediction. This can also be spoken by someone you wish to honor by having them take part in the ceremony.

The Announcement of Mr. & Mrs. So-and-so could be added, saved for the reception or proclaimed in both places.

You can also include all kinds of extra special ceremonies like sand pouring, hand holding or hand fasting, candle lighting, wishing stones, coins, broom jumping, glass breaking, bread eating, flower sharing, etc. You could add something special and unique to the two of you. Just give your Officiant an idea of what you want and she will invent a new tradition for you.

This is the bottom line – it is your wedding, have it as you wish. It will be the Perfect Ceremony for you.

Burning Bowl

Burning Bowl is a releasing ceremony that could be done at any time, at the completion of a year or during a prenuptial party. Simply put, you write down what you want to release and you burn the paper.

Too simple?

Think about that for a moment. You travel through life, day after day, and sooner or later you’re going to do something that you wished you hadn’t, or you develop a habit that is now annoying, or you hold a grudge, or you hurt someone or yourself. Personally, I don’t have to think too long to find something that I wish wasn’t a part of me, my thinking pattern, my life, or my personality.

Granted, writing something down and burning up the paper is not going to physically do much more than making a pile of ashes. But, symbolism carries a mighty punch: shaking hands, giving a hug, waving a whole hand, or just one finger. They’re all symbols that lead you to feel a certain way.

In order to write something down on this paper, you have to think about what you want to release. What bugs you about yourself? You’ll never know if you don’t stop and think. And don’t give me that “I don’t want to stop and I don’t want to think” routine! If you don’t take out the garbage your house is going to smell. If you don’t clear out your mind occasionally, your thoughts will stink as well.

So, the first part of the process is to stop and quiet yourself, pull in your energies and breathe consciously. This is also called “centering.” You’re not doing any thinking yet, you’re settling in and preparing yourself. No thinking yet, just breathing and being quiet. You may want to close your eyes or play some soft music to help you relax and gather your thoughts.

Take your time. Let me repeat that. Take your time. You have all the time there is. If you’re rushing, one of your problems may be rushing. Give yourself a break. No pushing, pulling, kicking or screaming either.

Do you want to be calmer? Want more patience? Release what makes you frustrated. Want more happiness? Release what makes you sad. Some days you have to decide to be happy and not leave it to chance. If you get upset, choose again.

When you think of something that you don’t want to do, or have, or be anymore, write that item down on your paper. Go on to the next thought and write that down.Take whatever time you need. This is your time for you.

The next step is to actually burn the paper. Only burn the paper – not your fingers, sleeve, table or house. Choose a safe receptacle in a safe place, preferably outside. Have water ready or a wet towel in case of an accident.

As you light the paper mentally release the thoughts that are written. Give yourself another chance to make amends, to be a little different, to grow and expand in wisdom and integrity. Make sure the paper is completely burned and the fire is out before you walk away.

No, burning the paper will not make you better, richer, taller or thinner. What it will do is to help you bring to mind what would benefit you to change in your life. You can’t rectify anything that you won’t acknowledge. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result.

Finally, go celebrate! You’ve done some very good work. Congratulate yourself. You are your own best friend. Treat yourself kindly and say nice things to the person looking back at you every morning in the mirror. The Burning Bowl ceremony could be performed singly, in a group setting, by itself, combined, or within another ceremony.

Live life to the fullest. It's yours to enjoy.

Ceremony of Champions

This is a good example of how a ceremony can be written to celebrate any occasion, an accomplishment, or any life-affirming event.

Priscilla (fictitious name) had been through chemo, radiation, a double mastectomy, and reconstructive surgery - and had become cancer free! Her friends and family wanted to celebrate her, her struggles, her life and her victories. They had been there for her, cried, laughed, baked bread, brought food, watched movies, and prayed.

At the same time, all of them had walked through their own fires of hell at some point in their lives, separately and together. In considering such a ceremony, it also caused everyone involved to internally reflect on what they had overcome to achieve their own personal victories in life, and they realized in their hearts that they were all champions, because they had gotten through those challenges and grown from them. They all needed - and deserved - to be appreciated and celebrated! A place was chosen, a date was set. Each person was asked to bring a small symbol of themselves or their accomplishments.

That night, when all were assembled, we opened with a prayer of gratitude for everyone present. One by one, each person in turn came to the “altar” to place their symbol and tell their story. Many tissues were passed among the circle.

We entered into a guided meditation in preparation for the Burning Bowl, to help reveal the next blocks that each person needed to release in order to move on to the next phase of their life. After the meditation, the obstacles were recorded on paper, taken outside, and placed in the fire as a sign of willingness to let go of fears, frustrations, and self criticisms.

The group reassembled, with each person receiving the gift of a candle with a personal message. As each gift was opened, the message was shared, thoughts were shared, hugs were shared. Again, the tissues were passed around the circle.

The ceremony ended with a heartfelt prayer, but the celebration continued with food, drink, and camaraderie!

Life is to live, to experience, and to celebrate.